New Company Security Measures

MEMORANDUM FOR ALL EMPLOYEES

Subject: New Computer Security measures

Per Company Instruction 5150.88.2, the following steps have been taken to secure Company employee data terminals (PCs) throughout the enterprise. In cases where use, intent of use or other spectrum use is not identified, always substitute the phrase “malicious Trojan horses,” “bandwidth issues,” “because we said so” or “boo!” as justification.

The following eight rules are in effects as of 1 Jan 2010:

1.  Notifications and software updates will be “pushed” to users’ computers daily. As the “pushes” are made, users’ computers will slow to a crawl, as defined by Company instruction. No activity, save common head-smashing against the ‘RTYUIOFGHJKLVBNM<>’ group of keys on the keyboard will be possible. “Pushes” usually last about 2.5 hours and will require 47 restarts per push with as many as 12 pushes per day, based on Company needs. Once restarts are complete, users should notice an 80-percent slow down in performance followed by frustration and user-remorse. This means the “push” has been a success.

2.  Boot-up time for all PCs has also been secured. Average boot time for government computers will now increase from 8 to 12 minutes, as we’ve added the NSA-required “needless spin” to all user hard drives. As a result, hard drives will spin without purpose for an extra 2-4 minutes per keystroke, while processor burden will increase from “at capacity” too 108 percent. However, users should still sit in their seats while valuable Operational Security and Informational Security messages creep onto the screen. Users should hear their hard drives spinning while no activity on the PC will be possible.

3.  All emails will be converted to plain text and switched to all upper case. Lower case letters have been know to contain malicious Trojan horses that allow for ease of reading and better understanding of mission and message. This is not an acceptable practice. IT representatives will make service calls to each employee who will have their ‘Caps Lock’ keys will be glued in place. (Note: further health insurance claims for “bleeding eyeballs” or “scorched sections of brain matter” will NOT be approved per HR)

4.  With the exception of badly created PowerPoint briefings, e-mail attachments are no longer allowed. However, for PowerPoint attachments to comply with new rules, they must be of the following: slides within the briefing must use a minimum of seven (7) animated effects and utilize at least 85 percent of the Microsoft Word clip art library. Use of the MS Clip Art known as “duck prepares to smash computer with mallet” is mandatory on at least one slide in each presentation, or the attachment will be filtered. A “questions” slide at the end of the briefing is also mandatory. It can only be the word “questions” and should be followed by no less than three (3) question marks. Failure to include a “questions” slide with at least three trailing question marks will result in immediate termination.

5.  Internet browsers have also been secured. Only seven Web sites approved by the CEO’s wife may be viewed, and only with a common-access card, 27-character password and fingerprint verification. Users will also notice that only text may be viewed in browsers (in all upper case, of course) as all photos, video, animation, icons and joy have been excised from the viewing experience. Scroll bars have also been disabled. Users who insist on traveling to other Web sites will be fired and humiliated.

6.  Security for Microsoft Word is also paramount. Therefore, in addition to the upper case and plain text rules above, spell check usage will be on a ‘need to know’ basis. You are authorized to use letters A through M, Q, V and X. However, users will now be required to check with information assurance officers to use the other 10, numbers, special characters or the ‘Delete’ key.

7.  Microsoft Excel applications have also been secured. Use of numbers 0-9 is still authorized. However, use of double or triple digit numbers in Company budget documents requires approval from supervisors. The first attempt to use multiple-digit numbers (resulting in increased budgets, specifically) will be met with a warning screen. Second and successive attempts will require users to complete a Company Form 2266, signed in triplicate and routed through their supervisors. Failure to complete this form will result in the user’s PC subject to a malicious Trojan horse attack. Twice.

8.  Wallpaper and screen saver use is now secured. Pictures of family, pets, friends, fast cars, space ships, cast members from ‘Twilight,’ cast members of ‘House,’ and other forms of visual morale are no longer allowed. Wallpaper will be replaced with a standard-issue “just be glad you HAVE a job” corporate visual aid. Screen savers will be replaced with standard issue “No. Really. Keep being negative about this and we will find a way to fire you” screen savers. Users may still keep tasteful photos of hamsters, airplanes, tanks, submarines, rifles, and various pithy quotes about how wonderful they believe their lives to be taped to the sides and fronts of their monitors.

Compliance with this guidance is mandatory.

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