The orthopedic surgeon looked at the CAT scan, looked at me, then pointed. “You have the knee of an 85-year old man,” he said, laughing afterward. Three surgeries later, I’m not sure what an 85 year-old man feels like when his right knee hurts. Probably something like taking a Land Rover and smashing it repeatedly into my kneecap.
I tell you that to tell you that I tried to snowboard for the first time Dec. 12. I did this with some trepidation, knowing how the torque on my knee might affect the day overall (more on that in a minute). Mostly, I worried that I’d fall down and look like a buffoon a lot. As I already look like a buffoon (or is that baboon?), I also realized everyone who learns falls down a lot, I managed to really look forward to the chance to go.
The morning started at about 8 a.m. I rented the board and boots and got a lift pass from the Edelweiss Lodge and Resort (it rocks) for about 87 bucks. I failed to bring my own helmet. However, figuring the slope would be about the same as a Kansas highway, I felt comfortable without it. We drove to the Zugspitze ski area, about 10 minutes from my house.
I cobbled together a decent outfit with my orange snow pants, red jacket and 74 layers underneath. Still, I stayed warm in 31-degree temps. I’d tell you that the area between my lower back and butt cheeks got exposed while sitting with the snowboard on the ground. However, I reshuffled my clothes at lunch.
Going up the mountain took less time than expected, though the ice blurred the windows on the gondola ride up. At the top, we took another gondola into the “bowl.” The bowl is the massive ski area inside several mountains in the Alps including the Zugspitze. Skiers and snowboarders were everywhere, dressed in more colors than a rerun of “Fantasia.” I figured a Giants Stadium sized crowd. Fortunately, the numbers let me down and space to run abounded.
From the lodge in the bowl, we made are way down a steep hill to a small area near the T-bars. At this point, it’s important to note that I was the only person who’d never been snowboarding. The others varied in experience. Vernon served as the Jedi for the day.
Lessons begin
From the top of the hill to the flat spot couldn’t have been more than 25 yards. If I could have simply stood on the board and gone, I would have and done fine. However, I had to get into my bindings. At something close to 9,000 feet up, the air is scarce. And being inflexible and out of shape trying to reach down and secure bindings in 30-degree weather. I panted more than Paul Reubens at a Santa Monica Boulevard theater.
Attaching and reattaching binding became the most time consuming task of the day. Still, I blame the thin air and my poor physique. However, listening to Vernon became the easiest (and best) part of the day. A fantastic teacher, he pushed postive notes through every step and, on my first three runs, I didn’t fall down. As all my friends told me, Vernon proved an exemplary teacher and snowboarding mentor.
Those beginning runs went something like this: hike to the top of the slope. Get into the bindings (Oy). Flip over. and this is where my 85-year-old knee comes in. The torque from rolling over to face forward, then push myself up hurt a bit. Doing it over and over put extra pressure on it. The hike up and down steep slopes capped it.
Actual riding
However, what I noticed about snowboarding is what I learned about riding a Segway: it’s all about heels and toes. And, with snowboarding, hips. And, as mentioned, the first three times, no problems. However, the fourth and fifth times, I tried to crouch like a baseball hitter covering his strike zone. And that was major FAIL. I fell forward once and backward twice.
As the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy said, “Don’t Panic.” And that’s a big part of the lesson. Stay upright. Look where you’re going. Be cool. However, when I managed to gain a little speed in the later runs, my mind went, “OhmygodI’vegotalittlespeed [BLANK} [BLANK] annnnnnnd, we’re live … Jason? Jason? You’re on.” That space of panic (about half a second, really) caused me to shift the board around and get disoriented, but when I did get my mind back, I righted the ship.
Turns were more sensitive than I expected. That edge grips quick. But I managed turns keeping the Segway theory in mind.
Lunch and leaving
We had lunch in the lodge. My knee gave me some good pain sitting. When we got down to our spot again, we were in white out conditions, but I still managed two more runs and that was that. Given the time and the conditions, and that my knee had said “enough was enough,” although I eyeballed actually riding the T-bar up the hills and attempting to come down the slope. However, I would have needed my helmet for that.
A few of us hiked back to the first lodge (and this steep hike UP the hill back to the lodge REALLY did my knee in), caught both gondolas and managed to get off the mountain in less than 30 minutes. That’s a little like getting in and out of the worst DMV in New Jersey in about seven minutes with whatever you needed. It’s just not done.
I LOVED the feeling of being upright and riding the board. I get the rush. However, everything else I did was a wreck. I’d bet with time, I could cut the in between times down to nothing. Thanks to Vernon and the others who provided a few cheers and applause along the way. Despite what my knee and my orthopedic surgeon might say, I’ll need to try at least one more time. 
said, laughing afterward. Three surgeries later, I’m not sure what an 85 year-old man feels like when his right knee hurts.
Probably something like taking a Land Rover and smashing it repeatedly into my kneecap.
I tell you that to tell you that I tried to snowboard for the first time Dec. 12. I did this with some trepedation, knowing
how the torque on my knee might affect the day overall (more on that in a minute). Mostly, I worried that I’d fall down and
look like a buffoon a lot. Once I realized everyone who learns falls down a lot, I managed to really look forward to the
chance to go.
The morning started at about 8 a.m. I rented the board and boots and got a lift pass from the Edelweiss Lodge and Resort
(it rocks) for about 87 bucks. I failed to bring my own helmet. However, figuring the slope would be about the same as a
Kansas highway, I felt comfortable without it. We drove to the Zugspitze ski area, about 10 minutes from my house.
I cobbled together a decent outfit with my orange snowpants, red jacket and 74 layers underneath. Still, I stayed warm in
31 degree temps. I’d tell you that the area between my lower back and buttcheeks got exposed while sitting with the
snowboard on the ground. However, I reshuffled my clothes at lunch.
Going up the mountain took less time than expected, though the ice blurred the windows on the gondola ride up. At the top,
we took another gondola into the “bowl.” The bowl is the massive ski area inside several mountains in the Alps including
the Zugspitze. Skiers and snowboarders were everywhere, dressed in more colors than a rerun of “Fantasia.” I figured a
Giants Stadium sized crowd. Fortunately, the numbers let me down and space to run abounded.
From the lodge in the bowl, we made are way down a steep hill to a small area near the T-bars. At this point, it’s
important to note that I was the only person who’d never been snowboarding. The others varied in experience. Vernon served
as the Jedi for the day.
Lessons begin
From the top of the hill to the flat spot couldn’t have been more than 25 yards. If I could have simply stood on the board
and gone, I would have and done fine. However, I had to get into my bindings. At something close to 9,000 feet up, the air
is scarce. And being inflexible and out of shape trying to reach down and secure bindings in 30-degree weather. I panted
more than Paul Reubens at a Santa Monica Boulevard theater.
Attaching and reattaching binding became the most time consuming task of the day. Still, I blame the thin air and my poor
physique. However, listening to Vernon became the easiest (and best) part of the day. A fantastic teacher, he pushed
postive notes through every step and, on my first three runs, I didn’t fall down. As all my friends told me, vernon proved
an exemplary teacher and snowboarding mentor.
Those beginning runs went something like this: hike to the top of the slope. Get into the bindings (Oy). Flip over. and
this is where my 85-year-old knee comes in. The torque from rolling over to face forward, then push myself up hurt a bit.
Doing it over and over put extra pressure on it. The hike up and down steep slopes capped it.
Actual riding
However, what I noticed about snowboarding is what I learned about riding a Segway: it’s all about heels and toes. And,
with snowboarding, hips. And, as mentioned, the first three times, no problems. However, the fourth and fifth times, I
tried to crouch like a baseball hitter covering his strike zone. And that was major FAIL. I fell forward once and backward
twice.
As the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy said, “Don’t Panic.” And that’s a big part of the lesson. Stay upright. Look where
you’re going. Be cool. However, when I managed to gain a little speed in the later runs, my mind went,
“OhmygodI’vegotalittlespeed [BLANK} [BLANK] annnnnnnd, we’re live …” That space of panic caused me to shift the board
around and get disoriented, but when I did get my mind back, I righted the ship.
Turns were more sensitive than I expected. That edge grips quick. But i managed turns keeping the Segway theory in mind.
Lunch and leaving
We had lunch in the lodge. My knee gave me some good pain sitting. When we got down to our spot again, we were in white out
conditions, but I still managed two more runs and that was that. Given the time and the conditions, and that my knee had
said “enough was enough,” although I eyeballed actually riding the T-bar up the hills and attempting to come down the
slope. However, i would have needed my helmet for that.
A few of us hikced back to the first lodge, caught both gondolas and managed to get off the mountain in less than 30
minutes. That’s a little like getting in and out of the worst DMV in New Jersey in about seven minutes with whatevere you
needed. It’s just not done.
I LOVED the feeling of being upright and riding the board. I get the rush. However, everything else I did was a wreck. I’d
bet with time, I could cut the inbetween times down to nothing. However, my knee won;t cooperate, so I’m really not sure
how many more times I’ll try this.
Thanks to Vernon and the others who provided a few cheers and applause along the way.
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